Dear Pa

关不了深夜为我亮的最后一盏灯

那是颗照耀我专属的心

——《爸爸》王筝。

He is the first man ever in my life.

He is my dad.

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多少次送我独自离开 红红着眼睛

转过身 头发见白的背影

#1 

Dear Pa,

I've been trying hard these days trying to recall the moments I spent with you when I was young, but Pa, I'm so sorry to say that, I could barely remember any.

I know telling you this may break your heart, I think I may have inherited this poor memory of mine from Mom.

Probably it's because you spent a alot of time at work- Leaving home early at a daily basis, returning late after going through hours and hours of meetings and presentations, exhausted most of the time.

I rememebered you vaguely in your neckties.  Mom would sometimes help you choose and match your shirt either in the early morning or by night.  Always charmingly neat, that was how it'd be when I was to potray my Dad in words when I was at tender age.

I remembered your briefcase, always giving the icy cold touch whenever I reached my hands to you.  I remembered running towards you and give you a hug when you stepped in the door, with your shoes on.  Mom would say, "Oh you're finally back.  How's your day?" I was too young back then to know I should pour you a cup of water upon your return from work, all I knew was to give you a warm hug.  And that the office's and car's air cond were chilly, that was the only reason why your briefcase was so cold.

Vacation with you had always been one of the greatest.  Though at times I would feel so tensed up when your cellphone rang during our meal; Or before sleep; Or during our walk together.  You would turn away and ask us to walk on without you.   Pa, if time were to be wound back, I would stay at your side and wait patiently till you end your call.  I wouldn't mind if it would take an hour or more.  I understand it might be annoying and I would probably get myself into trouble, an angry face or anything in the end, but Pa, the fear of losing you actually frightens me more.

Thank you for agreeing to make it for the recent trips to Bali and Taiping, though you had your concerns at first.  I'm glad that you listened to me and was there for me, with me, all the time.

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蓝蓝的天 像那小小的我

用心大声的唱你最爱的歌

纵然世界不同你曾给我的梦境

相信最美好的一切在下一刻降落

#2

Dear Pa, 

Guess I have never told you this, that Pa, you're my one and only superhero.  

No one, yes I mean no one, can ever, ever take this "Superhero" title away from you.

I've been telling the people around me that I have a special Dad.  He works for no company, he works for the one he loves.

A few years back, when you were being admitted to the hospital urgently at midnight due to a diagnosis named "Deep Vein Thrombosis", I didn't know how serious it was until I saw you lying in the hospital ward.  I remembered Mom's knitted eyebrows, Brother asking me how's Daddy, and you claiming you're okay.  It took me a couple of years to realize what "Thrombosis" was, and how dangerous it was that it could have taken your life.  I was introduced to that term "Thrombosis" during Biology class in secondary school, a local blood clot in veins or arteries, that the clump of blood would have travelled to somewhere in the heart or brain, causing stroke or heart attack.  The blood clot that started at your calf eventually settled at your lungs, causing short breathness.  I had never seen you gasping for air so wildly without an exhausting exercise session.

Thanks Buddha, you are far better now.

Though occasionally you would still press your chest so hard when you sneezed, as though you were being stabbed at the heart; Pant restlessly after a flight of stairs; Have serious sore on your legs after a long drive, I'm still thankful that I can still greet you goodnight and sweetdream every day.

We understand that it would be better if you give up your job, although it might mean giving up your passion in the working field, giving up a big part of yourself.  The decision was a tough one for you, since you had always been an excellent employee, both trusted partner and colleague.  You had prestigious track of records and achievements that you were so proud of, and as the main financial source of the family, I believe it was so much to take in for you.  I wanted to help you so badly but could not.  I had never seen you as gloomy as those days, my big tough guy somehow turned into a vulnerable child that was so fragile, that I would break your heart with any slightest mistakes I made.

Now you're having an early retirement, but I know at times you still wish you can still work like other uncles one day.  You have your dream watch, dream car, so many dreams that you wanted to fulfill- I can tell from your eyes when you were eyeing at some magazines, or during Chinese New Year Eve dinner with uncles who were sharing their stories at work.  You kept quiet when they were playing with their high tech cellphones, a tech-guy like you must have wanted something like that as well.  You wanted the best education for me, you wanted to see me graduate from a more prestigious overseas university, you wanted to give me what you never had.  But Pa, do you know, what you have taught me is far more than whatever books or teachers that I've come across.  As a former employer, you taught me how to meet people's ridiculous expectations, smile even during tough times, embrace the flips and flops as these were what that mould you most.  I do not need the books by Al Gore or Dale Carnegie, all I need is you.

Pa, I've disappointed you the whole way through, like driving for example.  You taught me well, but I guess I wasn't the right and talented material in driving.  As my personal driving tutor, you taught me what you could, I'm more than lucky to deserve that, though I ended up letting you down anyhow.  These days I've been asking Mom to coach me instead of you, it isn't because the way you teach, I blame myself for not being able to cope at your pace and my EQ level in handling stress and expectations was so low that I even embarassed myself.  Pa, I'll fetch you in my car some day, hopefully it's near.

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你的笑声是我生命的书签

标出了每一个的永恒的瞬间

可是我怕 看着你悄悄改变的脸

被无声的时间 勾出深深的线 你的脸

#3

Dear Pa,  

Time's ticking, and everyday I have the fear of losing you again I don't know why.

I insisted in following you to gym whenever you wanted to, partly it was because I wanted to have a slimmer figure but mostly it was because I wanted to be with you just in case anything would happen.

I am a born pessimist.  I imagine bad things to happen me and the people I love, this habit annoys me a lot.  

Pa, I want you to be there at my graduation ceremony.  I want you to see me with the hat that you and Ma've dreamt of but have yet to achieve.  I want you to meet my lecturers and hear them tell you how great I am.  I want to see how proud you'll be.

Pa, I want you to be there at my wedding.  I want you to be the one who hand me over to another important man in my life who loves me more than anything, someone that I can fully depend on.  We'll have kids, and you'll have grandchildrens, then you can tell my bad naughty stories to them, and let them know how wonderful you and Mom were.  But you know what Pa, no matter who that guy is, he will never be like you.

Pa, I want you to be there when I had fights with my colleagues or employers.  You'll teach and guide me what to do like how you did in the past.  You and Mom are my best teachers, you'll light my way through.  I have so much more to learn.  I'm guessing that it'll take a lifelong to finally be as good as you.

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Dear Pa,

I Love You.